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kindle ✓ A Return to Modesty Discovering the Lost Virtue Paperback ✓ insolpro ↠ [EPUB] ✻ A Return to Modesty Discovering the Lost Virtue Author Wendy Shalit – Insolpro.co.uk Where once a young woman had to be ashamed of her sexual experience today she is ashamed of her sAngers facing young women nor to feminists who steadfastly affix blame on the patriarchy Wendy Shalit proposes that in fact we have lost our respect for an important classical Return to Modesty Discovering the ePUB #187 virtue that of sexual modesty A Return to Modesty is a deeply personal account as well as a fascinating intellectual exploration From seventeenth century manners guides to Antonio Canova's sculpture Venus Italico to Frank Loesser's tune Baby It's Cold Outside A Return to Modesty unfolds like a detective's search for Return to Modesty Discovering the ePUB #187 a lost idea as Shalit uncovers opinions about this lost virtue's importance from Balzac to Simone de Beauvoir that have not been aired for decades Then she knocks down the accompanying myths one by one Female modesty is not about a sexual double standard as is often thought but is rela Skylar's excellent review of this book did make me view it a bit critically but for the most part I think Wendy Shalit has portrayed American society with dead on accuracy Her main contentions are these 1 If women would hold themselves to higher standards of modesty and men would hold themselves to higher standards of honor we would have a much healthier society overall 2 The reason for such problems as anorexia and cutting amongst girls is not because the girls themselves are sick but because they are reacting to a sick society which pressures them to become sexualized before they really want to 3 No change in the current climate will come about unless masses of young women begin saying no proudly Otherwise they'll always be thought of as weird hung up repressed etc Shalit defends each of these claims with extensive citations from psychological studies headlines in women's magazines personal anecdotes Victorian literature Western philosophy classical and modern feminist thought and Torah sources Her target audience is secular so she defends modesty by pointing out in painful detail the damage excessive immodesty has done to marriage love and relationships As she admits herself her discussion of modesty is NOT modest So this is not an uplifting book on tznius like Doesn't Anyone Blush Any or OutsideInside This is a scathing look at secular culture in the post feminist era Sheltered FFB women would be shocked BTs will see a familiar world and be all the gladder they left it behind May Hashem help that young secular women get hold of this book and be strengthened to take a new kind of feminist stand

kindle ´ A Return to Modesty Discovering the Lost Virtue µ Wendy Shalit

Ted to male virtue and honor Modesty is not a social construct but a natural response And modesty is not prudery but a way to preserve a sense of the erotic in our lives With humor and piercing insight Shalit invites us to look beyond the blush and consider the new power to be found in an old ideal She maintains that the sex education curriculum forced on those of her generation from an early age is fundamentally flawed centered as it is on overcoming reticence what we today call hang ups Shalit surprisingly and persuasively argues that without these misnamed hang ups there can be no true surrender no richness and depth to relations between the sexes The natural inclination toward modesty is not a hang up that we should set out to cure but rather a wonderful instinct that if rediscovered and given the right social support has the power to transform society Edit I dropped this down from 2 stars to 1 unfortunately it can't go lower bc of the archaic sexist bs that shalit writes Ladies ask yourselves this why can men be completely shirtless in public which was not only illegal but immoral prior to the 1930s but women have to be modest Why can men have sex with as many women as they want but women have to save it for marriage What are they saving You know the hymen is a MYTH right Why does standing up to unfairness make you an automatic man hater yet men imposing rules on women doesn't make them women haters I can sum this book up in 2 words Victim BlamingWhile there are 1 or 2 parts I agree with I disagree with the vast majority of this book Yes misogynists and chauvinists should be called to task but the blame should NOT be placed on the sexual revolution or women's liberation A woman is not a prude if she chooses not to have sex but by the same token she is not a whore if she does Clothes do not dictate what a woman does or doesn't want to do There's nothing wrong with wearing something that makes your feel pretty Deal with it We need to stop blaming the victim and that's mostly what this book does Chivalry may be gone but let me tell what what chivalry was for the most part opening the door for a lady in public and letting her walk in front of you while in private beating andor raping her not letting her work outside the home not letting her do anything BUT sit at home and raise kids If that's the trade off I'll get my own door thanks That said my parents raised me that opening the door for a PERSON male or female is just a nice friggin' thing to do Period Ms Shalit just because you don't agree with women having sex before marriage andor outside of a relationship or with the choices women make regarding clothing doesn't mean you have to try to insult the rest of womanhood My morals may be different than yours but that doesn't make them wrong

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A Return to Modesty Discovering the Lost VirtueWhere once a young woman had to Modesty Kindle #211 to be ashamed of her sexual experience today she is ashamed of her sexual inexperience Where not long ago an unmarried woman was ashamed to give public evidence of sexual desire by living with someone today she must be ashamed to give evidence of romantic desire From A Return PDFEPUBsex education in grade school to coed bathrooms in college today's young woman is being pressured relentlessly to overcome her embarrassment her hang ups and especially her romantic hopes Meanwhile the problems young women struggle with grow steadily extreme from sexual harassment stalking and date rape to anorexia and self mutilation Both men and Return to Modesty ePUB #9734 women endlessly lament the loss of privacy and of real intimacy What is it all about Beholden neither to conservatives who discount as exaggeration the d Despite being an easy funny chatty read this book was thought provoking I really mean that I did uite often stop to think back over my own sexual experiences and how they might fit into Wendy Shalit's idea of what's erotic what's modest and how they fit togetherShalit's argument is interesting because in a world where everyone seems to be sneering at everyone else for either being a slut or a prude a cad or a loser Shalit claims that sluttery and prudery are two facets of the same thing the denial of the erotic Modesty is not prudish it is the natural behaviour of one who recognises the true power and pleasure of desire and intimacyIt's also a very feminist book despite the fact that Shalit at times speaks approvingly of patriarchy and disparagingly of feminists This defence of modesty is a defence of women's right to sexual satisfaction personal dignity and public respect And than that Shalit says emotional sensitivity is a fundamental attribute of women so a culture that pressures women to enjoy the 'zipless fuck' is a culture that is asking women to deny or deaden a part of their natureBut are most women too emotionally sensitive for premarital sex Too much of the book is Shalit's opinion backed up by anecdotes either her own her friends or culled from magazine articles It seems obvious to me that there are definitely some women who would prefer to have only one sexual partner in their life their husband the father of the children a man devoted and committed to them for life I know such women and they are very happy It's also true that there are some women who are very happy in open relationships and who enjoy casual sex I know women who have had many sexual partners and enjoyed it Both groups tend to be resentful that the general public view them as fundamentally odd and probably mentally ill In both cases the general opinion seems to be that 'she would only do that if she had suffered some kind of sexual violation Probably molested by her dad' It's not true in either caseBut most of us muddle along have a few boyfriends eventually settle down How many women really would be happier at either extreme Shalit believes that most women are at the former extreme In their hearts they want their relationships to be forever and they are profoundly wounded by break ups She uotes a little from women who marry the man of their dreams and then regret all previous sexual encountersShe doesn't uote at all from women who marry their first love and after their divorce wish that they'd had some experience before leaping into such a commitment although such women do exist Really there ought to be some kind of cross cultural long term study of dating marriage divorce and happiness But even that is fraught with difficulty as different cultures have different expectations of what happiness is and how much one can reasonably expect to have So alright it's probably impossible for Shalit to prove her thesis but I would've been interested to see her engage with people who don't fit into her model At times it seems like she's making the mistake of thinking that just because something is true for her as a woman then it must be true for women as a groupSo setting that aside Shalit said some interesting things She argues that there is such a thing as female modesty it's both universal and relative Relative in as much as each culture has its own rules on what is and isn't modest; universal in as much as every culture has such rules As an example almost every culture holds certain body parts to be highly erotic American women hide their breasts Xhosa women are happy to expose their breasts but careful to cover their thighs Madagascans hide their arms the Chinese their feet The women of New Guinea although nearly naked flatly refuse to climb fences when men are looking and pointedly turn their backs when men stareEvery woman feels the embarrassment that urges modesty at some point Shalit's examples include women who wear split skirts because fashion demands it – and then when caught in the wind hunch over to hold them tightly shut Likewise I think everyone in England has had the experience of seeing rows of young people ueuing up at nightclubs There will always be than one girl in such a ueue wearing a tube dress that barely covers her tugging away at her hems nervously ensuring that her butt and boobs are still coveredOf course dress isn't the only area where women are modest Shalit dwells a lot on the discomfort women feel in mixed sex dormitories and bathrooms – no doubt because she wrote the book soon after graduating from such an arrangement But why should modesty be so universal – found in all women in all places Well according to Shalit it's because women are naturally emotionally sensitive and loving To be soft hearted is to be vulnerable and modesty is a natural defence Women are shy and conservative in their dress their manners their behaviour so that only men who are gentle loving committed and deserving overcome the natural feminine reserve to win their heartsSo modesty serves a natural purpose in helping women to identify the men who can be trusted with their hearts But than that it is a natural part of sexual attraction and desire Shalit points out uite rightly in my opinion that there is almost no eroticism in nudist camps She uotes amusing anecdotes of people who took up nudism in hope of a thrill and found the absolute opposite result The same is true she claims of casual sex and easy hook ups Where there is no chase no mystery no sanctity no secrets shared sex is nothing than a bodily function Or as her school sex education put it 'orgasm is like when you sneeze and then you sneeze'Even co habiting can kill the attraction Shalit uotes Jewish law on marital relations which I found very interesting as I knew nothing about it Jewish law specifies when a couple can and cannot have sex certain times of the month are forbidden but also certain states of being drunk uncertain or during a fight In her argument which I find persuasive these rules by intermittently making sex forbidden and separately the couple help to keep the passion alive This seems so intuitively true and there are so many aphorisms to support it – 'familiarity breeds contempt' 'forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest' that I am very inclined to agreeBut than protecting women's hearts and increasing their sexual allure modesty in women brings out modesty in men Men who must earn the love and trust of a woman learn to be gentle considerate and courteous They become better people in their morals and their manners In short they become chivalrous Shalit uotes at length and with some obvious admiration and longing from old conduct manuals illustrating a bygone time when sexual harassment never happened and all women were treated with a level of respect unknown to current societyAt which point I'm starting to roll my eyes Shalit's imaginary world of modesty is beautiful and romantic a world where every woman is a lady and every man a gentleman – but it was never soLook I can believe that women on average like casual sex less than men I can believe that women are on average shy than men I can believe that a little mystery in a marriage keeps the passion aliveI do not believe for a minute that there was no sexual harassment prior to the sexual revolutionIt's certainly possible that Henry Fielding and Samuel Richardson uoted by Shalit were gentlemen who would always protect a lady – but Samuel Pepys also kept a diary and he was perfectly clear about his attempts to touch up strange women in church and that he freuently molested his housemaids In 1903 a time in which Shalit believes sexual harassment was rare women defend themselves with hatpins against 'mashers' men who groped women on public transport Sexual harassment has always been with us Richardson's Pamela from a time when no one was ever sexually harassedShalit also refers approvingly to the modest dress prevalent in Islamic and Orthodox Jewish societies This is a huge tactical mistake although to be fair she was writing in the 90s Mona Eltahawy has written a lot about the epidemic of sexual harassment in Egypt despite unbiuitous hijab Likewise in Iran women wear the hijab because it is the law They protested against it in their millions when it was brought it and they are still doing so I think Shalit's argument in favour of modesty as naturally emergent femininity which inspires devoted civility in men would've been stronger if she'd stuck to 18th century English gentlemen as her examples Women protesting forced modesty in IranBut Shalit isn't only arguing in favour of modesty and a modest culture She's also arguing against the modern culture of permissiveness and casual sex Most of her examples centre around American university campuses which often seem strange and parochial to me For example she has a great deal of amused contempt for the confusing etiuette of modern hook ups in which the boys are reuired to 'check up' on the girls after intercourse Girls are proud to 'still be friends' with all the guys they slept with and there is some disapproval of men who fail to perform the 'check up' And yet at the same time the check up must be swift and superficial because it would be very wrong to imply too much affection and 'send the wrong message' But as Shalit points out why worry about 'sending the wrong message' if nobody is in danger of emotional harm from 'misunderstandings' And what's the use of a 'friend' who scrupulously avoids too much contact and intimacy This seems like weird Americans to me When I went to university in the UK we all just drank a lot and muddled into sexual relationships via awkward conversationsMore worrying is Shalit's description of the pressure she came under as a girl who was openly refusing to date and have sex At school she would deliberately pretend to have a penchant for older men and lie about her fictional 'older' boyfriend simply because a reputation for liking older men meant that boys her own age didn't bother herWhen she did date boys would try to pressure her into sex by implying that her preference to wait was a 'hang up' An unreasonable barrier probably due to a psychological defect Something negative that she should overcomeWhen she decided to be open about her preference for modesty at university writing articles against mixed sex bathrooms the response was campus wide harassment hate mail mice left in her room stares taunts and insults from strangers eventually she had to be moved to private accommodation for her own safetyThis is all horrible depressing stuff Can American campuses really be so horribly conformist We certainly gossiped about other people's sex lives but I can't imagine why anyone would bother to harass a stranger simply for not having sex Is this widespread behaviour Shalit has anecdotes from other girls who wrote to her or spoke to her privately to confess that they felt the same way she did but not much idea of how widespread the problem and not much to say about why people should be so inexplicably keen to oppose virginity It's very odd and it's very nastyShalit's also of the opinion that many of the modern mental illnesses found in teenage girls are a side effect of this promiscuous culture anorexia self harming and cutting and 'depression' Girls are naturally sensitive and emotional but they are now living in a world which reuires them to be hard and unfeeling Anorexia and self harm can be ways to deaden one's natural intensity Likewise girls are given prozac when their natural sensitivity is misinterpreted as a disorder Simply put there is nothing wrong with girls there is something wrong with society for insisting that they feel nothing while engaging in casual sexOnce again I start off agreeing with Shalit but I feel that she over reaches I can certainly agree that one ought to be free to remain a virgin until marriage or forever This is not unnatural or unhealthy and does not deserve bullying Men certainly shouldn't bully their girlfriends into sex Single sex dormitories and bathrooms should be available for anyone who wants them But can sex and boys really be the biggest problem or the only problem for girls Are all girls really so sensitive that they suffer immense or permanent emotional damage from break ups When I think back to school days it seems to me that there were plenty of girl's who were the heart breakers and boys who were the heart brokenWhen Shalit speaks so often from her own personal experience I find myself comparing it to my own personal experience For example when speaking of boyfriends who pressured her for sex she uips that if he needs to have sex to know if they're compatible then they're not compatible But for me the opposite is true I'm very grateful that I live in an age in which one can cohabit before marriage My first boyfriend was a passionate and romantic man whose courting behaviour was utterly devoted – but we were sexually incompatible and he was a nightmare to share a kitchen with I'm very grateful that I discovered those truths before we had children I'm skeptical that if we'd waited until marriage the ring would've made a difference to his personality We broke up when he fell in love with someone else but my heart is not shattered by the experience Am I the outlierI keep coming back to this uestion What proportion of women are like Shalit What proportion are promiscuous What proportion are like me in the middleIt's a uestion that matters because as Shalit points out social norms make it harder for some people to behave in their preferred way Shalit thinks that most women want to be like her and save intimacy for marriage It's very difficult for such women in modern society because a man will hardly commit to her when he can have companionship sex and cohabitation with any number of other women Shalit speaks wistfully of the days when female solidarity – a 'cartel' – held all men to high standards of courting and chivalry Should we live in such a world I don't think it ever existed and I'm not convinced it would be good for women to try to create it – but certainly if it were possible I would like to live in Shalit's utopia where every man is a gentleman all interactions are courteous and everyone gets a generous and devoted husband for life